Santa's Slay - A Silent Fright, Holy Fright Chrismassy Review
Director: David Steiman
Starring: Bill Goldberg, Emile de Ravin, Douglas Smith, Saul Rubinek
Written by: David Steiman
Produced by: Sammy Lee, Matthew F. Leonetti Jr, Brett Ratner, Doug Steeden
Cinematography by: Matthew F. Leonetti
Original Score by: Henning Lohner
Synopsis:
Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.
Thoughts:
Over the years killer Santa's have been a key staple of many a festive horror film. 'Christmas Bloody Christmas' featured a robotic incarnation of the character on a bloody rampage akin to 'The Terminator'. 'Christmas Evil' and 'Silent Night, Deadly Night' featured men so obsessed with jolly old Saint Nick that it drove them to murder. Finnish film 'Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale' painted the character as some sort of mythological creature that is to be feared rather than loved. With this kind of variety the inversion of a character who is supposed to bring joy to the children to the world carries a certain devilish glee. The safety net of trust is taken away and the real horror begins.
The film 'Santa's Slay' dips into the lore of the character in a similar way to 'Rare Exports' as Santa (born of the antichrist here) is reaching the end of a 1,000 year cycle of being the kind gift giving man beloved by children all around the world after losing a bet over a game of curling. Now he has broken free of this arrangement and has embraced his demonic side to wreak havoc on the ancestors of those who put him through this ordeal against his nature.
This kind of set up makes you feel that at the very least you are in for a typical slasher full of Christmas related kills. You get that, especially in the prologue when the Mason family have their Christmas dinner interrupted by Santa Claus (played by Bill Goldberg). Prior to his arrival it is established how lecherous the family are. They include the likes of (an uncredited) James Caan and Rebecca Gayheart whose personal jibes and illicit behaviour (complete with racist and homophobic remarks) are at odds with the homely Christmas aesthetic and music (which is a mixture of awful covers and Z list Christmas songs that will have you wanting to cover your ears for most of the film). Their meal is interrupted when Santa bursts down the chimney dispatching them via eggnog, turkey legs and even a Christmas star.
It is an early warning sign for what is to come as this opening scene has little to no connection with anything else in the film other than to say Santa is back and this year he's really pissed off. That's the level of crass humour the film aspires to and by the end of this scene it is already a tired joke. There is also a lazily nasty streak established in this opening scene that prevails throughout the film leaving it with no likeable characters at all and making it a slog to sit through despite its short runtime.
Following in the footsteps of fellow wrestler Hulk Hogan (star of Santa with Muscles), Bill Goldberg plays Santa Claus and just like Hogan, Goldberg shows how he should stick to the ring as he is absolutely terrible here. Sporting a poor fake beard he grumbles and growls his way through the role putting his wrestling skills to use in dispatching the people of Hell Township (yes that is the name of the town) with spears, body press slams and other moves. He punctuates these kills with some of the worst one liners you are ever likely to hear like "Who's your daddy, Father Christmas" which are delivered with zero charisma. It is the kind of performance that will make you hate him more than Bret Hart does.
The rest of the cast don't fare too well either. As Nicholas Yuleson, Douglas Smith completely phones it in and it feels like he is reading his lines off camera. It doesn't help matters that as the lead he is written as a selfish and snarky person with little to no redeeming qualities. Opposite to him, his girlfriend Mary "Mac" Mackenzie played by Emile de Ravin takes another poorly written role and tries to inject some of her natural charm but even that can't redeem the film in any way. The rest of the cast has some recognisable actors like Saul Rubinek but the whole time you watch the film you are left baffled wondering how big their paycheck would have to be to put themselves through such an embarrassing ordeal.
Behind the camera, David Steiman's lack of experience in directing is apparent as there is no flow to any of the scenes. He seems to be handling the film like a series of contrived and humourless sketches. Even in terms of the editing, a scene of exposition would end halfway through it with a hard cut to Santa killing a random person before hard cutting back to the original where the exposition ends with no purpose other than feeling the need to fit it in somewhere. It is hack filmmaking at its worst making it a laborious watch.
'Santa's Slay' is one of the most repugnant Christmas films ever made. Even on its own terms it is an extremely lazy film that meanders from scene to scene with horrible characters reading dialogue and uttering jokes that would be too embarrassing to be put in a Christmas cracker. It is the kind of film the relatives you don't like that visit around Christmas would call a holiday classic while any rational human would see it as nothing more than an endurance test.
Verdict: ½
-Joseph McElroy
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